Life As I See It...

A gallery of thoughts portrayed on a virtual canvas...

University of the Witwatersrand composition class. Having our showcase on the 10th November 2013 in the Great Hall. Come through!!!

University of the Witwatersrand composition class. Having our showcase on the 10th November 2013 in the Great Hall. Come through!!!

Doubt

On occasion I see in the reason as to why I am a musician, but I have lost track of that for such a long time that I can’t even recall when I did. Doubt has been so deeply instilled that building confidence in my abilities became a great task, something I have to work on consciously. Yet even the thought of doing that does not compel me enough in order to execute it.

My mind is such a blueprint to my day that living life in reality seems difficult, because of the fact that I play out scenarios in mind already and actually going through the experiences seems futile, but that is exactly what I need to do-LIVE. The funny thing is that people all around you rub off on you and in my case their negativity has been the major contributor to my personal challenges. I have had to constantly deal with discrimination being slung my way and even though I thought I was tough and resilient, the cracks are starting to show.

There is a real need in confiding in yourself, trusting yourself enough in order to be honest and deal with the issues that are hindering you so that you can let them go and move forward. The weight of baggage is a real crime to one’s holistic growth and I want to implore-starting with myself-that we all take time to really listen to our hearts, let your mind focus on you in the quiet moments spent alone. We don’t realise how much time we spend fretting about what others are doing, saying or thinking…

Time to live your own life…I’ll try to live mine.

Pride

Yesterday was an experience I would not want to soon forget. It was both friends’ recitals and they completely burnt up the stage which was pleasantly surprising; it made me proud to know them and share in their talent. I was close to tears at some point during one of the performances, because as the sweet sounds of their vocal renderings washed over I thought back to the year that past and all of the bullshit they had to put up with, all the battles they had to fight just to finish the climb towards graduation. Seeing both of them on stage singing their hearts out showed me that giving up is never an option no matter how tough things become and it seems as if though there is no way out your will power and perseverance will get you where you are supposed to be.

As the race draws to a close everything seems overwhelming and daunting, but I’m excited to experience whatever life has to offer-albeit good or extremely fucking bad-I would really like to show the same kind of perseverance that my friends did and I know that in their future they will be burning up many a stage…

Love you guys! 

“If everyone waited until they were perfect before they played music, there would be no music.”

– Jamey Aebersold

“The best way out is always through ~ Robert Frost”

Life as I see it…

Right now I’m speaking from the vantage point of a minority, but which is steadily gaining momentum in the race for equality. The fact is that as gay men our yearning is to enjoy the company of straight men, without feeling subordinate to their opinions, insecurities or interests.

I have learned in a short amount of time that heterosexuals steer our actions, they act like a filter, allowing more or less of ourselves to come to the surface in their presence. How is it that we allow them to have this amount of power over us and society in general, why is it so important that we ensure their comfort, why is it that when you as a gay man expresses the desire to be intimate with them, then we are enfinging upon their personal space, not respecting the fact that they don’t want to delve into intimacy based on the fact that we are of the  same sex.

Yet…

Our services are easily called upon, when they want to address their insecurities, when they want to find themselves, when they just want to “experiment”…well what if we also want to experiment, just want to test the bounds of the human experience. No, we are subject to their approval and feel comfortable about ourselves in relation to how comfortable they feel around us.

This is just a thought that has plagued me for a while and I need to understand when and if equality will ever materialise…    

Headspace…

Just got to a point this week, where I realised that what I perceived as music, the career path that I want to follow is nothing like I initially thought it would be…”so you guys just sing all day”…I can’t believe that I used to be that ignorant joe somebody four years ago. I am glad that even though this is the case, I persevered and found freedom within all the chaos. Chaos also has an order…just saying.

For many music is an interest, a hobby…yet for me it is the one aspect that occupies most of my daily existence so it is not there to enhance my 9-5 or fill in the gaps of conversational awkwardness. Yet I wonder if this is the case, then what occupies my conversational awkwardness?

I have come to realise that what interests me other than music, is continually learning to navigate through the world of homosexuality, spending a lot of time reading about the experiences of other LGBTQ people, some inspiring…others heart-wrenching. Yet at the same time it allows me to gain perspective about the reality of the world that I was flung into, helps me believe that I am who I am through the experiences I have had to deal with.

It is a peculiar thought that I am comfortable in the skin of the QUEER, four years ago I would have cringed at the thought of being touched by another man,male,hombre,homme…yet it the very thought that I wake up to and the very thought that encourages me to live and be loved. It has broken through tacit walls unknown to me before, but now I try to rather build relationships…

Due to this realisation, I have discovered that what actually prohibited me from living was religion, more specifically, organised Christianity! Yet ironically I would sit and be fed “the word of life” by parents, preachers, teachers…the knowledgable patriarchs of my life, but what I have learnt is that due to this indoctrination, it was taking away more of myself and molding me into what “God” wants or what “they” told he/she wants.

Ultimately by rejecting this delusion and accepting that every action in your life has an equal and opposite reaction…see what I did there…I only needed to know that I am the one who is responsible for my life and if there was anyone to blame it would be me. It is so much easier to deal with than getting upset, because an invisible being didn’t grant me what I wanted. I am not however dismissing the spirituality and believe that there are energy interactions at play between yourself and the universe. This is much easier and more logical for me to grasp.

The only thing that I would like to contribute to my life is that I am in full knowledge of truth and live my life accordingly, not trying to impose my views onto others, trying not to discriminate against others and achieving the goals that I set eventually leading to my ideal…whatever it may be at that point in time.

The only thing we are basically certain of is the present, the past is untouchable and so is the future, so essentially our hands are cut off either way, just live life and alter others’ lives through your example. I think I have cleared enough headspace to face another day…maybe you should do the same, maybe you will also see life as I see it…    

Life as I see it: Friends

I have made many friends along the way, from the playground to the classroom, from the sports field to the choir house. Yes I have made many friends… or so I thought, maybe I didn’t know what the purpose and definition of friendship was, maybe the thought of dwindling through life without a familiar face to greet me was just too daunting. So I accepted the invitation of many a girl and boy and found a seeming comfort in that, but what was the fulfilling function of these aqaintanceships, how did they enahnce my own life?

In retrospect I realise that those people fell in like with someone that I didn’t even know until now. Someone who has grown up through many days, many hours of introspection and is reflecting on the relationships that he currently possesses, in some way this is more familiar, more accustomed to what I believe it should be.

I believe that friends are the mirror that show you who you are and you can find relatable qualities in a each of them, they can be your shrink, shield and source of strength, but also the driving force behind your pursuit for happiness, but you realise that they are the source of that too.

So consider this before calling anyone “friend”, do they know the self that they want to befriend and do you? Do they carry your spirit in the wake of their presence? This is my summation of a friend in my life as I see it…